How to Listen

by Bindu Wiles on May 15, 2012

In this age of fast-paced, self-focused, technology-driven consumerism, taking a look at our ability to listen deeply to someone is a breath of fresh air in both its ordinariness as well as its profundity.

Here are some guidelines (based on The Four Immeasurables) that I have come to learn in my Buddhist psychology training:

1. Ask Questions. Generally, people feel very loved and seen and therefore healed, when you take an interest in them. Steer clear of the typically American questions like What do you do for a living.  Instead, use your imagination to ask detailed questions so that you begin to get a clear visual of an aspect of the persons life or event that you are discussing. This is an act of Generosity or Friendliness.  You give to them by making a space for them.

2. Be Present. Reading email, checking the weather report on your phone or computer, moving your eyes away from the person to everyone who walks by, etc. etc. can hurt the person. They can usually sense that you are doing something else and the only place that it goes into the person is that they are not worth much. This is an act of Loving-kindness. You put down your busy ,and usually silly, agenda for a period of time and  just be present for that person. You are still and grounded in your body and give warm eye contact.

3. Give More Than You Received. If you have just gone on and on telling your story or happening, or have just answered a bunch of questions due to the other persons generosity, do the same for that person. Maintain the same sort of energy that you received when it’s time for the other person to share. Spacing out, wanting to get off the phone or leave, and impatience when it’s your turn to listen, can be painful for the person who just listened to you.

Raise your energy and radiate warmth and genuine interest for the next part of the conversation.

We all have been on the other end of people who take up all the space in the room talking about themselves and never ask about you or allow the same sort of space they demand. Be aware of the give and take dance of listening and do your part to give better than you got. This is called Sympathetic Joy. You actually delight in hearing about their day and their life’s happenings with the same or more delight that you like being listened to.

4. Be Curious and Wonder. The subject matter doesn’t matter when you are listening to someone. You could literally be curious about how they painted a wall. How does this person navigate her life? How does she deal with loneliness? What is riding the subway like for her? What are her nighttime rituals with her children? How did she prepare dinner? What is the source of her dinner ideas? How is it that she can navigate office politics? It’s endless when you are genuinely curious about someone else’s life.

You provide an open field of wonder and curiosity.

My point here, is when you are curious about someone else and get out of yourself for 15 minutes and wonder about the details of someone else’s life in the same ways you obsess about your own, you become an incredible listener. This is called Equinimity. You look at things. Equanimity arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see. When well-developed, such power gives rise to a great sense of peace.

 Listening can be the most amazing healing experience between two people.

I have been in the presence of people who were so totally available to me, that the world opened way up and my sense of worth expanded profoundly.

I have also been in the presence of people who were distracted or out-of-control-narcissistic while I was talking and I have felt ashamed and worried that what I was talking about was just simply so boring they couldn’t even be bothered to listen. I tend to move away, rather than towards, those type of people.

We have so much power in the simple things in life, like listening.

Like being present for someone else in the way we like someone to be present for us.

Give what you want to receive. Give what you already have received.

Look with gentleness at what sort of listener you are and see if you can up your game a notch.

It’s a way to practice The Four Immeasurables– Loving-kindness, Friendliness, Sympathetic Joy, and Equanimity.

The world needs more of those wouldn’t you say?

Comments are open.

 

 

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On Friendship

by Bindu Wiles on May 11, 2012

For most of my life I have been a loner. I’ve preferred it that way.

And now it seems that I don’t prefer it that way. My loner days seems to be officially over. I have no idea what I even found so attractive about that way of unsocial-ness.

I have really felt an organic need arising this past year to build, and be in, community– the in-person kind. And while I will always be an introvert at my core (INFP), I now want to be with people as much as possible.

Friends have become crucially important to me. I even have a new hetero-man-friend, and I’m quite crazy about him–we’ve been hanging out in Soho laughing and scheming. More on Dave a bit later as I have some super cool things to announce in the works with him!

Anyhoo,

one of the most beautiful things about The Big Book used in Alcoholics Anonymous, is that the first word in it is the word, We.

What the brave souls who One Day At A Time maintain their sobriety, know that the rest of us maybe only sort of know, is that we can’t do it alone.

We can’t recover, or heal, or live fully without each other. We actually need other people to help us be our best selves.

We need the contact, the goofiness, the fashion help, the hugs, the smiles when they see us on the street after they haven’t seen us for a few days, the sometimes daily phone check-ins.

We need to be in relationships with other people to build trust. To love and be loved. Pardon and be pardoned.

This past weekend, while I was on retreat at the New York Shambhala Center, the lead teacher read us the Buddhas words from the Mitta Sutta–also known as the discourse on friendship– as he was talking to us about how to take care of each other and what it means to have, and be, a good friend:

He gives what is hard to give. He does what is hard to do. He endures what is hard to endure. He reveals his secrets to you. He keeps your secrets. When misfortunes strike, he doesn’t abandon you. When you’re down & out, he doesn’t look down on you. 

How are the friendships in your life? How is your in-person community (not your online community–your real-life community)?

What sort of friend are you? How can you be a better friend?

Maybe you could listen better, ask more questions, offer to help with something practical.

If friendship hasn’t been that important for you thus far, maybe you could give it a second glance–find communities that you can attend regularly that reflect your spiritual values like church or a meditation center.

If you are someone who has found yourself to be very social, maybe you could deepen your friendships by calling someone you love out of the blue and asking them about them and having a deeper conversation.

Two of my favorite groups, Buddhists and Recovering Alcoholics, seem to be onto something; the transforming power of We.

(Don’t forget: my comments are open again, and it has been truly wonderful to hear from you and to reply to those of you who left comments. I will do my very best to respond to people who leave a comment, so make sure you check back!!)

Don’t miss out on the coaching specials I’m currently offering for a limited time!

 Let me hear from you!! binduwiles@gmail  to start feeling better or to move your project forward!

 

 

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Taking Refuge

by Bindu Wiles on May 9, 2012

 

It’s spring and one of the things that means for American Buddhists is that it’s Vow season.

Buddhist Vows are typically taken in the spring, although you can take them at any time during the year if the occasion arises. I personally love that they are given in the spring, a natural time of renewal and growth.

The first vow that one takes in becoming a Buddhist, is The Refuge Vow.

Webster says this about Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger, or trouble. Something providing such shelter.

Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche says this about Refuge: the purpose of taking refuge is to awaken from confusion and associate oneself with wakefulness. By taking the refuge vow we are acknowledging that the only real working basis is oneself and that there is no way around that.

One of the main ideas behind taking refuge is to have something that you committ to, not only on a daily basis, but especially when things get difficult and hairy in life.

I am someone who has had an extrememly difficult time with my emotions during my 47 years on the planet. Some people have chronic back pain or other physical aliments that they deal with. I have had that sort of experience with my emotions. I have lost many days and relationships because of my emotional pain.

What I have learned over the many years of persistently chipping away at the tangled knot of emotions and working with my mental and emotional health, is that one must have an arsenal of ways to take refuge.

For example, getting on my bike is one of my main ways to take refuge. Writing is another. Sometimes I call someone.

Generally, taking refuge for me when it comes to emotional pain, is most of the time an action. And the action is usually opposite from what my mind is telling me to do.

That’s one of the hallmarks of taking refuge. In the vow, we actually leave all the comforts of home that we know and we become refugees. We go in the opposite direction of fear.

It’s the same thing when working with our emotional (and even physical) pain.

We take an opposite action– we stop resisting the pain and terror and we touch in and let it in–we do this with incredible gentleness. By touching in to the pain, we can paradoxically alleviate it, and see whats underneath it.

In this way we have a shot at transforming the pain into love and wisdom and understanding, which all bring tremendous relief.

Repressing, ignoring, denying, controlling, or an I can’t deal with this right now over and over mentality, are not healthy ways to take refuge. In fact, they are not taking refuge at all. They will not bring any sort of relief that you think or hope they will. This is called habituation or cocooning in Shambhala Buddhism.

Taking refuge is to acknowledge our situation as it is today, and then taking some sort of action that will be a balm to what ails so that we can continue to wake up.

To the extent with which we can acknowledge our pain and the terror that surrounds it, and then with gentleness and fearlessness, find ways to take refuge, is the extent that we will be able to live honest, fully expressed lives that radiate with our own genuineness.

What are 5 action-driven things you can list that are your go-to’s for when you need to take refuge?

My comments are open again on my posts, so feel free to share anything you want, like how you take refuge or your thoughts on this post.

I’m working on a book right now that’s loosely titled: 100 Ways To Take Refuge When Life Hurts Like A Mother*$#*!*:  An Action Guide To Self-Care and The Genuine Heart of Sadness.

I’m currently taking new coaching clients, so email me today and let’s get started!!!! binduwiles@gmail.com

 

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Here’s What You Get When You Don’t Avoid Your Emotions.

May 1, 2012

Out There by Deborah Mears Out there You’ll see it all. The floating ends will meet and mend, and you will be yourself; your fully formed, though always changing, self of selves. Every clumsy backward look will pay for itself. Every tear you’ve cried, or wanted to cry, will set your broken bones. The rips [...]

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What is Enlightenment?

April 25, 2012

“What is Enlightenment? Enlightenment is a profound change of heart.   This change of heart makes the world seem like a different place; with it comes a freedom of mind and an awareness of the joy and kindness underlying daily life.” -John Tarrant, Roshi Central Park Tulips, Spring 2012, iPhone 4, Camera+, Filterstorm  

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Generosity.

April 23, 2012

Someone recently gave me a small lump of money. Nothing powerball-ish, but an amazing gesture. She donated the money because, well, she wanted to alleviate stress and bring ease. She really believes in me and the work I am doing and sometimes, yes, money is an incredibly tangible and practical way to love and support [...]

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An End To Suffering.

April 19, 2012

I’d love to hear from you. I have a Spring Cleaning Coaching Special Package going on right now. Email me at binduwiles@gmail I’m taking clients for even one session for the next couple weeks to support people jump start thier lives! Give yourself a gift of support and inspiration. Having been around the yoga and Buddhism [...]

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Failure.

April 9, 2012

Baseball season has officially begun and therefore a certain amount of happiness has come to me. Most evenings you can find me on the couch watching the Yankees on TV with the light and heat outside the apartment windows growing increasingly more intense as summer arrives. Watching a baseball game is one of the great [...]

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A Buddhist Easter

April 6, 2012

A Buddhist for about half my life now, this year I’m celebrating Easter along with all the rest of the Christians who are celebrating. I may be celebrating it in a slightly different way than they are in terms of the literal theology of the Ressurection of Christ, but  nonetheless I am going to attend [...]

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The Not Knowing in Life

April 4, 2012

We just don’t know what’s going to happen do we? I was  with someone I love very much yesterday for about 5 hours as she went to see the breast surgeon about the results of her biopsy that she had last week, back to the radiologist, and then back to the breast surgeon. It’s not [...]

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